ItS MeEeEe!

it's all over!

presentations, for now.
leaving me at the 3 week before exam mark.

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although we should not be overly caught up...
i'll say i'll give my best shot for the eos.

gnia

total heartmelt.

listening to the choir songs remind me of all the things we do to make things work..
and that tinge of disappointment when things could have turned out better.

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the mental state of one's mind is a fascinating thing;
it can make wonders, or cause failure.
and when the fight is so close..

all this matters.

gnia

been on a mad read of a book that my sister is reading..

Today.
i swear my heart was sinking as i flipped through the assignment and looking at the comments.
i expected not as well, but..

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but anyway, it's over.
on the way back to hall, i was thinking.

does it really matter?
do results really mean that much?
sometimes we get so carried away with "now". we fail to see other things, that are ongoing all the time. and because of that, we tend to pay less attention.

or maybe it's just how i work.

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yea, but for now.. if i'm not preparing for monday..
i'm screwed.

gnia

have you ever done something, and feel so damn helpless that it strikes beyond your mind and right to your heart?

dramatic as it is, this is how i'm feeling now.
and this familiar feeling.. was what i felt two years ago.
even nearing As.

for maths. (oh the horrors of integration)

and this time, statistics is here to haunt me.
imagine being stuck at the appetizer question for nearly an hour, because the sample answer was a one liner and i couldn't figure out where the number came from.

i'm just totally drained and paralysed to do anything else, and today.. is another long day.

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the day passes slowly but the week flies by.
it's thursday, supposedly my catch up week.
but i'm over my head in work.

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biting my lips and moving on, to things less traumatising.. i hope.

gnia

this is one of the days where.. i just wish things could have been better.
that at least, i can do something.

but still, I'm trying.

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what a small world.
bf's friend, jie's bf's neighbour.
gor's schoolmate.
hall friend's friend.
coursemates.
seminar mates.
and just 2 weeks ago, hallmates.

to think i only knew his existence last week.
haha. my bad.

at least, now we know each other, haha.

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sometimes.. when things just seem so irritating and frustrating.
there are always other things that.. make things seem.. better.
you just need to find them.

NTU.. life has been a blast, so far.
when i hear things from other people..
of how people are like in uni..
especially from jie..

i just feel so blessed.

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the last month till exams.
study study study.

gnia

for that two months of line reading, rehearsing, positioning, voice checks, warmups and the much efforts in trying to make everything work; canvassing, planning, scripting, ticketing, photoshoots, advertising and ALL,

it's all over.
condensed into 2 hours of an assortment of emotions.

many first times, (mascara..! and acting, of course)
many new friends,
the late nights,
post-rehearsal suppers, (charmaine..!!)
hilarious conversations and gatherings,

and the wonderful company.
despite the busy-ness of school.. and sometimes the clashing deadlines and projects and presentations to rush..
i've had great fun.
especially the last two days.

many people i want to thank..
esp my roomie.. for all her support (:
and dear michelle and aprilia for coming down to watch this play..

AND the many things.. that happened in the course of this production.. MMMMMMM....

ok.. a lot of things i want to say to many different people, but so many things to do.
this weekend..
so many things to settle.

i'll go sleep now.
got classhour tmr.
or today.

and not to forget..
Thank you God for the wonderful way things turned out!
after chatting with tanvi last night till 430am.. it's really a blessing how the right people came and how all fell into place.

more to come.. after i have some time to settle everything else first!

and for now, it's goodnight!
gnia

sitting with my earphones plugged in..
sometimes it seems unreal, that so many things are going around me.

the end of a long, and.. tiring day.
test, presentation, liasing, and the blisters.
with that tad of shopping at JP with michelle.. aha. that was quite relaxing, and made things feel.. not so bad.

some things.. just need to be understood.
how one see things.
dear ann.. some things just turn out the way they are.
and some things.. are just not fair.
we put in more, but others do better.

i know that feeling.. i feel that all the time.
sometimes.. i can only say that.. we try harder, in hope that one day, it'll all pay off.
and sometimes, it's not the results that really matter.
it's the process.
and this.. was ingrained under the many years under ms lim.

and having no regrets.
there isn't a limit to one's best.
one can put in 200%, but when they dont achieve what they expect.. you can say, i could have slept less, i could have spent that bit more time, i should have covered this.. but.. there is never a end at what you can do. or maybe it's just me.

well.. a penny for my thoughts, i suppose.

i miss you, ann!

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now, back to econs.

gnia

"and who am I to judge you, on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

Cause sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you until the fear in me subsides"

when.. will we have the time..?
when can we step away from other things,

just to be together?

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miss you and wish..
that i can stop wishing.

gnia

wowee.
end of this week.
or.. more like.. the start of a week of absolute craziness.

stats quiz today. haha lets not talk about it.

i just realised.. mktg proj focus is wrong.
and is completely the same as another thing we overlooked.

meaning if we dont settle this properly.. our efforts till now is for naught.
and this is due monday..
and.. i dont have any more time after tonight to work on this.

why do i somehow feel worse than last night while studying for stats?

so tired.
feel so screwed.
and..
the million things..
coming up.

it seem so long ago when i was telling dear, less than 24 hours ago, not to be so caught up.
and was playing the optimism card, while studying for stats.
and telling them my schedule for the weekend.
damn.

and now..
it just worsened a million times.
there goes my early night.

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we rely on each other in times of crisis.
we tend to forget.
be too caught up.
small things just seem so pressing.
so crucial.

then. we miss the big picture.
things that are always there.
but things that we tend to neglect.

told a friend. who was very stressed over the tests we were about to have.
mailed him,
to rmb philippians 4:13

; and now, it seems like i'm the one who needs reminding.

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I pray for the strength to get through this week, where there are tests, presentations, rehearsals, memorizing, pulling off straight faces despite what happens and all the small things.. For Your presence, in all that i do.. and Your guidiance..
and be with all those who are weary.. or seem to lose their way.. or are feeling scared..

keep them calm, and let them feel You.

Shine, Jesus shine
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, spirit blaze
Set our hearts on fire

Flow, river flow
Flood the nations, with grace and mercy
Send forth Your word
Lord and let there be light!

take things. one step, at a time.
teach me, to put my all in Your hands.
glorify You with all that I do, and to place all my burdens in Your hands,
to keep trusting, and having faith.

that no matter how things turn out.. it's what You have planned.

and all this i pray in Jesus most precious name,
Amen

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one.step.at.a.time.
never.stop.believing.
and.always.keep.faith.

cause God is merciful!
and something happy has happened.

my heartiest congratulations to my dear,
you have done it again.
i'm sure ms rathna will be proud.

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and now,
focus on mktg.
then sleep.
focus on teaching.
then home.
focus on scripts and character.
then sleep.
focus on commfund.
focus on rehearsals.
focus on mktg conference.
focus on mktg prep.
focus on commfund prep.
then sleep.
test.
presentation.
rehearsal.

; and through it all..
always give the best in all you do..
if you give glory to Him in whatever you do..
this is where God comes into play into our lives..
not just that.. morning one goes to church,
but daily.

keeping faith; to fight on!
gnia

I've thought it out in the bath.

actions speak louder than words.

gnia

And we've reached the end of recess week.
Had great fun, did SOME work..
though.. sometimes.. some things leave me thinking.

if i've been too nice.
or i'm just being too understanding.
sometimes i wonder.. why must i be the one who make sacrifices.
silent ones.

all this has been.. nagging at me for a while.
and i've been trying to change things.

i dont want to seem petty.
seriously.
learn to speak up, you silly girl.

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In Christ Alone

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I've been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I've overcome

Oh I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
And only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my yield

And now, I seek no greater honour
Than just to know Him more
And to count my days with losses
To the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
To find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope

In Christ alone
I place my trust
To find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

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And really, God is the only pillar i can really rely on.

i've learnt, that people are not perfect.
we're not angels; as much as we want to be.

people no matter how dear, be it family or friends,
there will come a point where things happen
and perceptions change
or just that point in time where things just seem to be so wrong
one wonders how things can turn so bad.

all this do pass, sometimes we remember, sometimes we don't.
but these moments.. are still there.
they exist.
and knowing that they will pass.. doesn't make 'now' much better.

believing doesnt mean that we are exempted from evil;
cause things aren't that way.
we still live on Earth, like everyone else.

we still sin, despite all.
because we're imperfect.
we're not flawless.

isn't it wonderful, that God uses people who are weak, to accomplish His will.

; and through the many different things, You remind me that You're really the one that keeps me going on.

pray that:
in every victory, let it be said of me
my source of strength, my source of hope
IS CHRIST ALONE.

never.stop.believing.

keeping faith;
gnia

i happened to chance upon this hymn.. which we sang sometime this year. just didnt expect to find it in english.
so here it is:

I Surrender All

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsakened
Take me Jesus, take me now

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

Lord I give to You
All I ever had
Everything I was
And everything I am

And now I lay it down
I lay it at Your feet
To Your grace
To Your power
I surrender all

Lord I give myself to thee
Fill me with thy love and power
Let thy blessings fall on me

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All to thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all

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gnia

this has been a really.. let-myself-go week.

not that i've been doing nothing..
but.. anyway.

today.. haha. got coerced by a certain mr sia into going for TAN ATTACK, which is the sort of thing that.. i would normally.. avoid. hahaha. but, ya, we went in the end.. despite going to sleep at like.. 3am.. and being still awake at 530am.. and waking at 730am.. and having a on-off stomachache since the night.. and the refusals of wearing..... singlets. haha.

BUT. we still did everything in the end.

and i guess.. i really did have fun.
with the bunch of crazy people.
met new people.
played things outside my normal.. realm. haha.

and enjoyed the company of the BOOMZ. or what of boomz that went.

swimming in the sea.. lying on the airbed.. paddling.. lazing and tanning on the airbed and not giving a care about anything else and just enjoying the moment, to truly immerse in the moment of now.

the comfort of being with this group of friends, the 7 of us squeezing on that air mattress, lying down and just staring up at the endless sky..
that was just.. bliss.

and despite we didnt get the num.. haha i still had some crazy fun with some crazy crazy people. thanks for "pushing" us to go, sam. ^^

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terribly sunburnt and bloodshot eyes and still stuck with my pile of.. work.
but i've thought.. about the things that dont change over the years.
well, not exactly today, but about a few days ago..

people come and go, they change;
things that we are preoccupied with today.. this week.. this month.. this year.. school work.. that is never ending.. technically..

eventually all of it just passes. and becomes part of the memories.
or maybe not so much, especially if its work.. seeing how easily these are forgottened..

God is always the constant. where.. He's still there, after all the different things that pass in life.

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after going to LPPC for a year.. or so..

i was just youtubing all the english praise songs that strike me the most.. seeing that at LPPC everything is in chinese.
not that there's anything wrong with it, but there are different hymns, and not all hymns are.. english and chinese translated.

then some hymns.. just there always to serve as a reminder. and for all of us; adrielpang, who identified this with just one sentence.. and bee.. may we always keep this close to our hearts.

Heart of Worship

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come

Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring you more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve

Lord I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus


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let us remember it's not about the songs we sing.. but WHAT we sing.. that's what's most important.
i rmb.. more than one occasion, different pastors have shared about how it's not what type of music that makes it.. "churchy" or more "God-ly" and things like that. cause it's not like that.

when society changes, things change. But what is so special is that.. God is still the constant. As He is not something that dies off, after so many centuries. for those who are more practical, still "relevant" in today's context, let's put it that way.

and there, lies His greatness.

~ I'll bring You more than a song;

gnia

dear: hey.. thanks for waking early to meet me.. and everything.. despite the very late night.. and all. ((: hearts.

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i had fun today.
like letting go and just.. relaxing.

though i'm really tired now.
and tmr's another out-to-play and tiring day.

need.to.read.stats.understand.stats.practice.stats.
overcome.stats.

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Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
You're the reason that I sing

With all I am.

gnia

doing things i enjoy without other considerations..
something i havent given much thought to.
too busy trying to make others happy.

though that's a way i derive happiness for myself too.

marketing: never try to make everyone happy. haha. how apt.

i'll think about it.

gnia

suppered with KOHYOUJIN and SAMUELSIA.
haha. gnia CMI now.. no company in hall.. is almost torturous.

while we chatted the entire morning.. about almost everything.

how we carry ourselves in the different stages in life.
how we change across the years.
how we face our own flaws, how we have, or are still trying to overcome them.
how we have to live up to standards.
how we look at ourselves.
how we interact with people.
religion.
the people we meet.
family.
future.

...and the evolution of what is known today as "boomz roomz".

and perhaps a few other things that i've missed out.

this is the sort of things.. we should be doing. instead of.. coming up with.. my essay and studying for stats..

it's like reliving the nightmare of As. or even worse. cause this time you're not pitting yourself against the rest of the nation. but a bunch of smart asses.
just the mere thought of it.. gives me the shudders. like, really.

like getting 0 for stats next week is actually quite possible.
given that there are 5 options, that would be 11% if i did random guessing.
maybe the odds aren't that high after all.

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i've thought about it.
why i love hall so much.
it's because of the people.
and the context where we are brought together by.

we've been put together in a community.
a more close-knit one than ever.
where there are almost no secrets between us.

we've seen the worse mornings of everyone.
bad days, good days.. they come and go.
and we get through them, with the support of one another.

it's like how one brings only the closest back home.
it's like letting them into your most personal side.
pass the facades and the false pretences.

and in hall; this is home.
5/6 days a week. (or even the stay-in weekends)
and through the dinner and after school times..
and all our activities tgt..
it has built up to this.

and this is what i.. treasure the most.
people who i can talk to, just about anything.

in about every stage i've been through..
there are those few people i can name, and say, these are the friendships that will never waver.
but in every stage, there are only that few people i can really, say..
talk deeply to.

its a group of people. where i remove all preconceptions. start on a fresh slate.
just because we've just met, not that long ago.
and because i knew no one, (and neither my dear roomie)
hence landing us in this state.

which is probably better, than if i had entered knowing people, cause i'm sure things would have turned out differently.

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this is why, it is important to meet new people.
to break new boundaries.
to grow, to learn and to experience.

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yet, not to forget our past.
i would think that more than three-quarters of the links on the LHS do not work anymore.

besides the different features that different blog hosts provide..
i'm sure there are other reasons why people delete their old blogs and move to new ones.

...but why hide who you used to be? it's who you are.. not who you were.
and all this just reflects how one has grown over the years..

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ann jie.. i miss you so! your video just brings back the wonderful times.. of the things i've started to forget.
but not us.

and now, back to reality.
gnia

p.s. youjin..you're right. having time to oneself.. does make things seem better. thankyou for such a wonderful time (with dear snoring samuel haha.)